অটোয়া, বুধবার ৮ এপ্রিল, ২০২০
'Arrange marriage' to 'agreement marriage' - Anton Fernando

"How do you know your wife didn't marry you just to come to Canada?", my south indian friend wasn't prepared for that question, it impacted him. Looking for stability in life thru marriage is not a crime, its neither being selfish nor opportunistic, but only they will know their real reasons to marry each other. Things like trust and honesty cannot be verified, and that's the downside of arrange marriage, otherwise arrange marriage at least the modern versions of it has great benefits.  

Nowadays with high tech companies they do a lengthy 'background check' prior to hiring, this is to minimize the chances of a 'bad hire', they want to make sure you're a good fit for the team, and its a win-win for all. Arrange marriage is bit like that, a lengthy 'background check', where the elders of the families and community will do their best to minimize the risk, so the newly weds have a great chance at success, plus its beneficial to both families and the community. 

But without things like 'trust', 'honesty', 'intimacy', 'connection', 'communication', 'fun', even a successful marriage could easily feel empty, This is where 'agreement marriage' comes handy, it takes arrange marriage to the next level, it focus on the 'inner' side of the partners, and its a continuous process, as-if the marriage evolves as the partners grow and evolve. 

How can we grow together? how can we grow individually to better our ourselves? how can we support each other to better ourselves? All that is self-growth, resulting in the growth of the marriage over time, its a creation process following an agreement. You don't take anything for granted, instead you focus on the creation of the success of the marriage, but also you do that by creating yourself to become the best version of yourself, and you commit to help your partner become their best version. Its living commitment, a journey, not going to happen overnight. 

Agreement implies open communication, self-reflection, self-correction, becoming humble, listening, sharing, tolerance, non-judgmental, no blame, giving chances, forgiving your partner and importantly forgiving yourself, as you fall and rise, learning from all your mistakes. 

As the marriage sails thru the sea of emotions, you want to better prepare yourself and each other to handle anything. 'Arrange marriage' relies on traditions, customs, cultural, religious values to help in tough times, well perhaps submission had its role at some point, its way better to rely on each other and the confidence you have built together.

Perhaps you're already bounded by traditional arrange marriage, still its never too late to bring in the agreement part and start focusing on the self-growth aspects.

Life is also about self-growth, understanding our core mind/ego constructs to better ourselves; in that things like trust and honesty will naturally emerge between the partners. Within that building stability, raising a family, developing a career, a business, all that becomes a few degrees easier. 

As for my south indian friend, time will certainly answer him.  

Anton Fernando
2020/03/08
Ottawa, Canada